Well, today was my day...and I had a mini-breakdown at work. It wasn't in front of a huge group, or really anyone except for my direct supervisor (for the moment). And, I had hidden it all so well (as well as I can hide it..) and then I just lost it. I started talking and the tears started flowing...and flowing..and flowing. I'm not sure what sparked it today, but it came like a waterfall. My eyes are still tired and burning...and it didn't help that we had a three hour long meeting afterwards to talk about the plans for the future.
So, we decided that it was now or never...I have to get over the past and move on to the future. I came to this place because I believe in it, and no one said it would be easy (guaranteed), but I never thought it would be as hard as it is now...
So, tomorrow is a new day...and I'm excited for the future. I'm excited to see what's going to happen...how I'm going to be a part of that..and I hope in a year I'll look back on this challenging time and know it was all to make me stronger. I'm going to sleep well tonight, perhaps with a cold washcloth over my eyes, take some tylenol to get rid of my headache, and wake up afreshed.
That is my prayer. No more crying eyes for me.
“But if from there you seek the LORD your God, you will find him if you look for him with all your heart and with all your soul.” Deuteronomy 4:29
Am I expecting a living Jesus to be part of my life today? To see and understand what I am going through? Do I expect Him to make a difference in my circumstances? I’m afraid I often don’t see Him right there working in my life because I am not looking for a living Jesus but a distant, uninvolved one. I might pray to Him one moment, and completely forget to ask His help moments later. He may be right there guiding my steps but all I see are closed doors and disappointment.
When I am able to grasp that He is right here with me and He is alive and active in my life, then I more clearly hear His voice and see what He is doing. He is active. He can give me the strength I need to get through whatever the day holds. He is speaking to me.
I just need to REMEMBER this moment to moment.
2 comments:
Oh honey, I have had many of THOSE days. And I know how much they stink. I do have faith that God's plan is at work here - and that some day you will be able to look back on these struggles and say, "Oh, now I understand!" (I just wish I could tell you when!) Prayers for rejuvenation are headed your way - have sweet dreams!!!
Emily,
I just want you to know how much I look up to you. You do so much for this world and are such an amazing person. I hate to see you upset, but I know, know, know that God is there for you with a hand on your shoulder. Knowing how AWESOME you are he is probably crying too. Here's a quote from a Rob Bell Book that I hope helps, "There is nothing we can do, and there is nothing we ever could have done, to earn God's favor. We already have it." Slow down, you do so much for so many people. God is SO SO SO pleased with you as YOU ARE. And... I am too :) (Not that that matters... but I just wanted you to know how much I lika ya.)
Prayers and Hugs,
Casey
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